Wow! Big Break and Big Loss!

This journey has been an overwhelming thing at times. I think that's the reason for the big break. Also, I work full time, have three businesses and two other blogs so, since I live in my skin, I tend to not write about it as much.

I am down 104 pounds as of yesterday and I'm only 8 pounds from my goal weight. Initially, I'd like to be 130 but I'd prefer 125. Nevertheless, 130 is my goal and that would be better than I ever could have imagined last year at the same time.

Today I am posting before and afters. Looking at pictures of myself from just 10 months ago sometimes breaks my heart. I can feel myself crying inside. I can see all the bullshit I have had to put up with in my life from dealing with overweight.

The family has been super supportive but it seems my Dad is the most interested coach. When I have questions, I ask him.

Sometimes people are judgmental and shitty. I get comments like, "You look old." and "I bet your husband loves you now." I get others like, "Oh, I bet you're enjoying your new wardrobe; lucky you." With a snarky chagrin to the comment. (As if I can still wear a size 20. What am I supposed to do? Wear a flour sack?)

But at the end of the day, I do not give two shits as to what other people say. People are fuckers and that is a fact. I do not want to be a fucker, so I always try to be as gracious as possible which sometimes is difficult. I look old because I've lost more than 100 pounds and I'm 41 years old. My husband loves me and always has, big or small - being skinny isn't going to make someone love you - idiot. And fuck yes I'm enjoying my new wardrobe. I fucking deserve it. I've spent 10 months sweating, counting calories, isolating myself socially, and dealing with an asshole surgeon, all to get slim. But I've also spent 40 years of my life fat. Being called names, being laughed at, not having boyfriends, having people use me, being abused by family members, being judged by strangers as lazy even though I was and still am an athlete. AAAAARRRGGGGHHHHH! Maybe you should get a new wardrobe too, instead of judging me for mine - bitch.

Thanks for listening to me rant. Again, I deserve it. I need it. That's why I have a private journal here to document this crap. No one is going to read it so why not!?

A Recipe and Comparison Pictures of Me

I am down to 177 pounds!!! Woo Hoo! I have lost 65 pounds and it stil seems I have such a long row to hoe! I have 45 more to go. I know in the scheme of things it doesn't seem that far off but now the weight loss has slowed down and I can eat more things so the task is indeed a bit more daunting!

I am very happy despite all the struggles and this is the best decision I have ever made for my body. Plus, I feel great!

I will share a recipe with you and a current picture of myself.

Me about a week after surgery at 234.

Me now at 177.

So here are some protein bars I made up. Easy on the calories and fat; big on the protein.

Cinnamon Seed Protein Bars

Ingredients

• 1/2 Cup rolled oats
• 1/4 Cup currants
• 1 Cup Protein powder of your choice (I use Bob's Red Mill Whey Protein Concentrate)
• 1/2 Cup puffed Quinoa
• 2 Tbs Pumpkin seeds
• 1/4 Cup sunflower seeds
• 3 Tbs flax seeds
• 1/4 cup honey
• 1/2 cup water
• 1 egg white 
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 2 tsp poppy seeds

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. Prepare an 8x8 baking dish with cooking spray
3. Mix all ingredients together except cinnamon and poppy seeds.
4. Pour batter into baking dish and smooth flat.
5. Sprinkle top with cinnamon and poppy seeds.
6. Bake 10-15 minutes.
7. Let cool and cut into 10 bars.
8. Enjoy!

Notes

10 Servings

150 Calories, 5 gms fat, 15 gms carbohydrate, 11 gms protein

Disneyland and Poor Food Choices

Sugar is the devil.

I ate jelly belly's. I ate marshmallow's covered in chocolate and caramel. I ate part of a cheese stuffed pretzel. I ate 1 oz. of cotton candy. I ate pistachio nuts (not terrible on the scale of things). I ate Fig Newtons. I enjoyed all of it and the M-I-C-K-E-Y-M-O-U-S-E too! I wrote it all down and I exercised (walking around DL and Cal Adventure).

But now, at 15 weeks post op, I see that I have made too many allowances. I haven't sunk to sodas or chips. And the above treats have certainly not made their way into my everyday life, but now I have to reset the surgery.

So I found this...Sleeve Boot Camp!

I'll start tomorrow. Let's see where it takes me....

Source

A New Tracker!

Created by MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods

I love My Fitness Pal! I write everything down that I put in my mouth. I decided to make this today to have a visual cue...a motivator if you will!

Things Are Getting Better

So....

I spoke to the dietician at the beginning of this week. I have made up my mind. I will NEVER speak to her again. I think that being a "dietician" is a fake profession anyhow. I mean, does one have to get an MS in Nutritional science to tell the fat kid (who's been dieting since age 6) that one pound is equal to 3500 calories? I think not.

Also, she always talks to me with a mouthful and boasts about how she is an avid runner and marathoner. It's sort of like having Satan as your cheerleader. It doesn't really work.

As for my surgeon (since my last post) he did exactly what I paid him to do. But he also has statistics that he must uphold (and I'm a rebel - totally killing his numbers) and lives by a publish or perish mentality. He's a cutter and as a cutter he is the one that is paid to fix the car not teach me how to drive it.

No more talking to that part of the team unless it is a medical emergency. I have however been posting to Vertical Sleeve Talk which is more suited to me than Obesity Help. I was so happy to find it because last Tuesday I really was going to see if I had learned to fly, yet...off a cliff.

My numbers this week are as follow...

Weight: 202 (down from 241.8)
Boobs: 43 (which still haven't budged)
Waist: 36
Hips: 48

Me, at Christmastime, before surgery. The discomfort in myself here is so appearant: the double chin, the swollen eyes...

Me, two nights ago....8.5 weeks post op. My eyes are brighter, I appear clearly happier,  and my double chin is nearly gone!

Lowered Expectations

I went  to see the surgeon yesterday for my first post op visit.

I felt awful when I left his office. I feel pretty comfortable saying that he is a mother fucker. Yup. That's right a complete and total asshole! More succinctly, a dick.

I walked in, weighed in at 210 and felt ok about it. Not jumping for joy, but not like I wanted to take a bath with a toaster either.

I waited for him to join me once I was roomed. Ten minutes later he walked in and the first thing out of his mouth was, "So, I see you haven't been following my eating prescription."

Now, a day later, several excellent things come into my mind that I wish I had thought of yesterday, such as, "Don't be an ass!" or "Be nice or leave." or my personal favorite "Yeah, I haven't. Instead, I've been slamming Ho Ho's and Ding Dong's."

Needless to say, I felt defeated. These past five and a half weeks have been a struggle both physically and emotionally.

I rallied the troops. Amy said just keep going and "he's a dick!" My sister said, "Write a letter even if you don't send it." And my husband, God bless him, went to Costco with me to look for new protein shakes becasue the doctor said I need a higher protein intake. Gah!

Before the surgery, the surgeon said I could reach 110.Yesterday, when I told him he said that he denied it and snidely asked, "What's your goal." I answered 130.

To be honest, at 5 feet tall and 210 lbs now, I'd be happy at 170 for the rest of my life. And perhaps I shouldn't put too much stock into what the surgeon says. Do I have to see him again?

Sometimes, I visit Melting Mama. It's a blog about WLS. I like it. Here is what I read today and it helped me resolve my heart and soul. It gave me solidarity. Meltimg Mama - Lowered Expectations.

Never Be the Same - Little Majorette

This is my theme song right now. It also happens to be a rocking song to workout to. I love it.  I had this surgery so nothing would ever be the same!

I never want to be so pulled by a doughnut that I think of it all day long.
I never want to have the after effects - slitted eyes and swollen hands - from over eating Chinese food.
I never want to feel embarrassed because I can't fit in  a movie seat.
I never want to have to ask for an extender on an airplane.
I never want to feel out of control.
I never want to feel like that bullied little girl ever, ever again.

on to the postive...

I want things to be different.
I want a healthy relationship with food.
I want to wear pretty underwear and bras.
I want to feel uninhibited enough with my body to have a more adventurous sex life with my husband.
I want to feel on the outside like I feel on the inside.
I wan to be free.

The numbers.
My waist has shrunk 10 inches
My weight is 218 today.

And, lastly, if you like this song by Little Majorette, then please support them by buying their music and seeing their shows.

2 Weeks Post Op - A Carnival Ride

There are several things I've been experiencing that are less than pleasant with this post op liquid diet.

1. My breath smells and tastes worse than a week old dead guy.
2. People will not accept no for an answer so my only option has been to ignore my friends.
3. Your husband is not always supportive (donuts for breakfast this morning).
4. You will fantasize about your old eating habits.
5. You want to be much more active than your incisions will currently allow.
6. And, you will expect to lose 100 lbs. in two weeks.

Physically, I feel pretty good. I'm not as tired as I was but sleep very well. Even though I am not as tired my energy level is pretty low and I assume that is just becasue I have no calories on board. Also, I am freezing. It might be 70 outside sun shinning, but I am freezing cold. My feet are cold, my hands are cold and my nose is cold. Also, I am so sick of the thin liquids diet that I'd prefer just to not eat at all! What's the point? It's been a real carnival ride to say the least.

The numbers: I was 241.8 in the hospital after surgery and today I am 227.
That's 14.8 pounds down.

5 Days Post Op

Take 1...

Take 2...

Pre Op Measurements:

Bust: 49.5

Waist: 42

Hips: 54

Two Days Post Op

This one makes me giggle. Also, I look exactly like my brother. I really felt like doo doo... And the incisions...

The Support System

I have some great support although I am telling very few people that I have had this surgery. People are very judgmental first and second it isn't any of their business. It is a gift I am giving to myself. I'm 40 now and I lost our only baby in the summer of 2010. I deserve to be free.

Also, a big surprise, my oldest dearest friend Adrienne sent me these beautiful tulips. In all different colors. She and  are the sort of folks who just love some blooms!

The Reverend Michale Lambert. He has through the years written me silly poems to get my mind straight and this time with a nom de plume "Anonymous" he wrote a serious and meaningful poem. Take a read.

This kills me! Fat Tuesday! Hilarious! My sweet sister... and below too.

Nicky! So hysterical. I loved this card.

Day 1 Post Op

I look uber wretched. And let's face it, no one loves to see themselves speak - except movie stars - which I am not. They are a special kind of narcissist - which I am also not - not the special kind anyway. Plus, after major surgery, it's quite normal to look like poo. It's a funny little film mostly because an alarm went off and I filmed at 4:00AM.

The Day Of - Fat Tuesday

My husband - a never ending source of light and love to me.

Me. Minutes post op.

The back view about 10 hours before surgery. It's like WWII - Never Forget!

First let me tell you about my experience at The Good Samaritan Hospital in Los Gatos...#1 It's so clean, #2 No riff raff and #3 they tell you to be there 2 hours ahead of time...but your not waiting around at all and last but not least #4 You surgeon better be good but you anesthesiologist better be really good too!

My wonderful sister was with me. And so was my anxiety climbing through my skin. My BP was 210/97. I was about to explode. I asked for a valium about 20 times since arriving at 8:42. I finally got my valium at 10:15. THank goodness for my sister. If she wasn't there, I'd have felt really, really isolated.

The ladies were trying to start my IV. But to no avail and they blew two veins in my hands. I still have two big bruises there. Thankfully, the Anesthetist came and game n=me my valium and started my IV!

Then they hopped me up onto my feet and I made my way to the OR. I arrived, big lights, cool folks wearing surgical costumes and then my surgeon - who even in his surgical scrubs and hat - is a looker! Then they helped hoist me on to the operating table. Everyone was so calm. Like I was breezing in for a facial or something. Fine with me! Better laid back then uptight!

I woke up in recovery in terrible pain and was trying to wriggle away from it. A nurse was talking to me and a heavy thing laid across the foot of the bed. She pushed a wee white button attached to the box at the end of the bed and I immediately felt better.

I was wheeled to the third floor and my own room next to a window with vista views of Los Gatos and San Jose! Real royalty! In the room was my sister, brother and law and sweet husband. We all had missed the surgeon though. They has gne to get something to eat and I was being wheeled to the room.

A gift from my sister and brother in law!

ANXIOUS!

I'd like to dedicate today's post to Amy. She actually coined the phrase "moving toward normal."

Two days until my Vertical Gastrectomy. And I am up to my eyeballs with anxiety.

This type of surgery has a few names - some call it a sleeve, gastric sleeve or vertical sleeve. Regardless of what you call it, it is bariatric weight loss surgery.

Today my BMI is 42. I weigh 237 pounds and I am 5 feet tall.

I made the decision in December to have this surgery. I originally went to Dr. Cirangle on a referral from a friend with the thought in my mind that I would get a gastric band. Upon becoming more informed about the band device itself I promptly brushed this less than perfect technology aside. I decided it just wasn't for me.

The band can potentially slip, corrode the esophagus, and provide inadequate weight loss. So Dr. Cirangle delineated the Vertical Gastrectomy. In this surgery the greater curvature of the stomach is removed. Which means that my stomach is made smaller by the removal of about 90% of my stomach.

More of my history is yet to come. But today, please watch my video and feel free to comment. And a huge thank you to all who are supporting me in this renaissance.

I have organized all surgery materials in this binder. It has informational materials and websites in addition to  pre-op testing results. It is a tidy way to keep everything together. In an effort to be more prepared for
post-op success, this was a good idea for me. Also, I'm anal retentive. 

I hate these "self portraits." I feel that firstly there is nothing portrait-ish about them and secondly that phone in my hand is so "My Space." Only 15 year olds take photos like this. Alas, there was no one around to do this "Before" picture for me. My apologies for the poor quality. I think you get the idea, though.

I especially like the behind shot. And so glad that my forehead is in the photo. Again, you get the idea.